Monday night's Helping Children With Loss (3rd session) went in a flash and there was so much discussion in the group; which is always fantastic. The main topic of the night was the 'F' word.. Forgiveness.
I don't know about you but until I did my training back in 2016, I thought Forgiveness was something you did 'to let another person off the hook'. It was something that only unbelievably kind people could do, perhaps those who were religious could do... But I was confusing Forgive with Condone.
The definitions that Grief UK use are: 'Forgiveness is 'giving up the hope of a different or better tomorrow' . 'Forgiveness is ceasing to feel the pain that has been caused by an 'offender'.
A definition of'Condone is - 'to treat as trivial'.
You see Forgiveness is a gift for us... How ? Because when another person has hurt us; physically, emotionally, and or mentally we carry that 'hurt', betrayal, 'anger', 'shame' etc inside of us. The 'offender' if you like, more than likely doesn't. Worse still they may see no wrong in what they've done. So with no apology we keep the pain deep. That emotional/mental pain can also affect us physically, we can become sick - sometimes really ill.
When that person or others 'wrong' us again - over and over- we can end up with years of hurt; layers and layers of pain and betrayal and then we're so overwhelmed with all this internal pain, it feels suffocating and then what do we do? Where does all the emotional energy go? How do we release it?
Great question. How do we release emotional energy? - The answer is through some of the following distractions: (these are the most common) Food Alcohol Drugs 'Retail therapy' (ironically called) Exercise Isolation Anger Travel (pre covid days) Escapism - games, books, T.V. Hoarding Sex Self-Harming Sleep
As with the Grief Recovery Method this Helping Children With Loss programme teaches you how crucial 'emotional truth' is. With the GRM you discover triggers that set off this 'learnt behaviour' of comfort eating when things get tough. Or reaching for the bottle when you feel 'unheard'. Or buying a new wardrobe when you feel 'unloved'. Or self-harming because you don't feel 'worthy'.
"Lack of forgiveness is the largest stumbling block to successful completion of the pain caused by loss."
And we cannot move forward if we stay trapped in the past. The GRM programme enables you to free your self from the past - but you need to revisit and reflect for the core elements to be healed first.
"Lack of forgiveness always IMPRISONS the wrong person." Powerful.
With the Helpng Children With Loss programme you are able to TEACH THE CHILDREN IN YOUR CARE, in your home, in your classroom, on your hospital ward, in your GP room etc the key elements of apologising and forgiving too so they can 'deliver any emotional communication' to you, or someone else they trust..
We need to help our children achieve this crucial element - for it to be embedded in their hearts and minds; for their sakes, for their mental health and for their future life and losses.
For more information on how you can make an enormous difference to the children in your care and to book a place on a training programme please email me at dawn@dawnford.co.uk.
Photo credit - Brett Jordan
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